People Pleasing… And why it’s so hard to stop.
When we think of a people pleaser we think of someone who pushes past their own needs to ensure that other’s are taken care of. This can be seen as a “sweet” or “well-meaning” characteristic, but it can have unfortunate outcomes and stem from deep-rooted fears and insecurities.
People pleasing characteristics are ones that have followed us as people since the beginning of time. As pre-historic people, we were a part of a group that would hunt, gather, and survive. If someone didn’t mesh well int he group, or didn't pull their weight, well, they were kicked out or ostracized, which certainly limited your likelihood of surviving. This fear gave us the evolutionary want to be liked and accepted by others in order to survive.
Today, alongside the evolutionary root, people pleasing tendencies can oftentimes be rooted in early relationships of childhood, particularly within the caregiver relationship. If a caregiver’s love or attention was conditional, the act of people pleasing may have grown stronger to ensure the caregiver’s happiness resulting in (or hoping for) the love and affection the child so desperately sought out. This may also be the case if the caregiver was emotionally unavailable or emotionally unpredictable. This causes the people pleaser (child or adult) to do anything to ensure that the people around them are taken care of to decrease the chance that something “bad” will happen or are seen as unneeded.
This will often lead the individual to feel deeply insecure as they have such a need to feel well-liked by all. If someone does not like them (which is totally normal, no one is everyone’s cup of tea!), this may cause them to ruminate or “spiral” into what they did to upset them, how they could adjust to make this person like them, or generalize that relationship for all of their relationships, thinking no one will ever like them.
Due to the fear that they will displease someone, they will fear conflict like no other. They will perceive conversation or expressing their needs as a conflict that is too risky to bring up, allowing for their frustration and resentment towards others to build within them. This may cause what I think of as a shaken soda bottle… eventually it’s going to explode. And due to the people pleasers conflict avoidant personality, it will often be taken out on themselves due to the belief that they have “failed” their job of keeping things at peace.
Since all of these issues are deep-rooted in the individual’s personality, it can be a hard “habit” to kick. That being said, it is something that certainly can and should be worked on to prevent further inner stress, improve relationships, and allow for emotional freedom. To begin one’s work in reducing their people pleasing tendencies it is important to 1. Work on identifying where these tendencies come from in your life, 2. Practice self-compassion, 3. Identify your personal values, 4. Learn to set and maintain healthy boundaries.
Reach out to Anika Heaverlo, LPC at Emerge Counseling in Milwaukee, WI to help you along your path of valuing yourself, growing your confidence, and decreasing those pesky people pleasing tendencies.
References:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/people-pleasing#:~:text=The%20tendency%20to%20please%20is,also%20corresponds%20with%20Dependent%20Personality.
